Sweet Home Hialeah: You Might Be From Hialeah If...

You might be from Hialeah if...

You have ever been hit by a "Chancleta. "
You grew up scared by something called "El Coco"
Others tell you to stop screaming when you are really just talking.
You light a candle to Virgin Mary on the night before your big test.
You use your lips to point something out.
You constantly refer to cereal as "con fleys".
Your mother yells at the top of her lungs to call you for dinner, even if it's a one bedroom apartment.
You can dance merengue, cumbia, or salsa without music.
You use "margarina" instead of olive oil and can't figure out why your butt is getting bigger.
You are in a five passenger car with seven people in it and a person is shouting "subanse, todavia caben!"
Whenever you feel under the weather, you compulsively dab on some "vapor rub" (vivaporu) all over your chest and inside your nostrils.
Your mom packs your "lonchera" every day even though you've just turned thirty-two.
You call the North Americans "gringos", including Canadians, and call all Asian people "chinos" or "chinitos" and you call the corner store "the chinito store".
You can have 5 different conversations at the dinner table and remember everything
You have un cafecito before going to sleep
You hang the cuban flag from your rear view mirror
On Christmas you have ever gotten socks and underwear from your grandparents
You have been drinking cafecito for breakfast since you were in diapers
Your mom or dad prononces "ch" like "sh" and "j" like"y" ex: sherry, shop the onions, yellow yacket, yello
Your grandpa brought puerco to every family event
You know for a fact that even if you weighed 800 pounds your abuela would still yell at you: "Ay Dios! Too skinny!" and proceed to put more food in front of you.
You're convinced that Mercurochrome (mecumocrombo) will cure everything from a cut to a hangover
You feel compelled to offer food to anyone who walks in your door, and are heartbroken if they insist they aren't hungry. But that's ok, because you feed them anyways.
There is a portrait of Jose Marti hanging somewhere in your house along with a full map of Cuba.
You know what the Holy Leg of Pork is and it's your favorite part of Noche Buena
You have 80 people you call your cousin, and no idea how you are actually related to any of them.
Every time you meet a fellow Hialean, you are instantly become good friends and act if you've known each other for a long time
The smell of "agua de violetas" brings back lots of memories
You have at least once been involved in some kind of ritual involving agua florida that your abuela found out would cure you of all your ills from the lady at la botanica
You run like hell when you see a coconut randomly on the street
It really pisses you off when people wear che guevara tshirts because you know what he was really about
Playing dominoes is more popular at your house than playing monopoly
When you walk in the house and the first thing to greet you is mama's flying chancleta
"coño" is a way to describe pretty much any way you could possibly be feeling... sad, angry, happy, excited, nervous, etc.
You know the meaning of ''no da pie con bola''
You have ever left grass for the camels on the night of january 6th instead of cookies and milk for Santa on Christmas eve.
You have ever drop food on the floor, picked it up, and ate it after saying ''lo que no mata engorda''
Your house has all of those little figurines that take every inch of space in the house, and you have either one of the following: a porcelain cat, dog, owl or elephant in your living room
You just cant imagine anyone not liking Cuban food.
You consider platanos to be a food group
You have ever said ''En cuba eso era mejor" or "en cuba no pasa eso''
You have been seen on channel 7 shouting ''No Castro, no problem''
Your idea of formal is wearing a ''guayabera''
Your favorite words are ''Oye'' or ''Ven aca'' when you are right next to a person.
Killing a pig and roasting it in your back yard is not out of the norm.
You are registered Republican
You have used the words '' Acere, mi socio, consorte, oye men, chico'' within the last week
You've had a ''mamey, papaya, or guanabana'' milkshake
Forget football, your favorite sunday sport is dominoes
You constantly say.. ''Fidel se mata este año''
You have been in the USA for 10 years and still dont speak english
You go to your family or friend`s funeral to tell jokes and socialize
You pay money you don't have for your daughter`s ''quinces''
Sabado Gigante is a Saturday ritual
You say ''La vaquita'' instead of farm stores
You dont believe in ''brujeria'' but respect it anyways
You use redundant expresions like ''Me cago en la mierda''
You have use of the word ''Jeva''
You have a particular passion for wrist watches
You call publix; ''el puble''
Your furniture has plastic covers
You know how to sing ''el yerberito'' of Celia Cruz
You grew up thinking that going swimming after lunch could cause you a ''sirimba'' , so it was best to wait at least 3 or 4 hours.
When your mom gets mad she yells ''Me cago en la madre que te pario''
To describe a place that`s far away you say it`s ''en casa del carajo''
You cut of words at the end but still like to criticize boricuas.
Theres a big picture of your daughter`s ''quince'' along with everybody`s wedding picture or communion in the living room.
Theres a little bucket next to the sink in the bathroom.
You know why Hialeah is '' La ciudad que progresa''
If you refer to your mother, sister, cousins, girlfriend, wife and every female in your life as ''mami'' "Mama" or "Mamita
If at every family function there is always a side of arroz con gri
For breakfast, lunch, and dinner you have a side of rice
You have a cake and sing happy birthday to Jesus on Christmas eve
Your whole family is running on "Cuban time"